Desires: on dating, connecting, seasons, invitations

(Edit: I wrote this in March. Too much has changed and I don't agree with a lot of it anymore. I kind of don't even know what I'm talking about here, but at some point I must have. I also like it!)

Re: dating. In this season of my life, I'm trying to follow my desires, a welcome and near forgotten freedom. And I'm offering and encouraging those I engage with to do the same. But I'm inviting slowly. I'm not feeling drawn to a chase, not trying to steer through the streets of Tinder carrying passengers.

Generally, I think dating a variety of people, and even just strictly hooking up, can be fun and fulfilling. Even if the date activity or setting itself isn't so unusual, the person I'm with (and all of our shared interactions) are a never-before-seen moment we're both occupying together. When I'm really tuned in and open, each date is an opportunity, even (especially?) the weirdest and the worst.

I value this idea that everyone I meet exists in a world of their own, and I get to drop by, visit, and invite them to mine, too. I start to absorb someone's patterns, fears, loves, horrors, dreams, fantasies, imaginations (or lack there of). Revelations. Secrets. Some of those things stick out over time, for better and for worse, never or. Of course, often those people and our time spent together will soon become romanticized memories and funny stories I tell my friends. The best of it is that it's exciting and rewarding to connect with people who stir something in us. We all want to feel alive, it's so good. And sometimes (when we're lucky and confident and daring) sharing and receiving romantically with others can shake your whole world up, if only for a night.

And yet, dating also has major...drawbacks. Beyond people's germs, bodily fluids, and environments sticking on you, dating can introduce other things, like heightened insecurities revealing themselves as inconvenient "truths". Facing, fearing, and moving through rejection (an ancient pain). Trying to sync up your routine with others. Sleeping in beds that aren't fit for you. Weird conflicts, most importantly the internal ones. For me, that includes struggling with my own strange tendencies, when I minimize my own life or capabilities so others can live larger ones in my presence (but oh how I love it when they do). When I hold back or close off, that tension of fear. Performing because I want to be received. I hate it. And then of course a vague, more elusive exhaustive reserve...feeling responsible for men's emotions (a self-inflicted wound), having to craft things carefully out of fear they will react in very unpleasant or damaging ways. That potential burden of violence, arrogance, disregard. Overextending. Overrelating. Physically putting yourself into the arms of people who could harm you without warning.

And/but seasons change. In the past this has all just been pervasive background noise, a little fuzzy. But now it blares louder. It feels disorienting and very unfamiliar. And I stay in my head thinking about all the things I should have done, said, chosen not to disclose...I don't desire that at all. I can't keep up with my own distortions. My initial reaction is to assume that I've been changed for the worse (noted passivity in "have been changed"), that I'm more wounded or anxious, carrying more baggage now after a tattered relationship. That I'm less confident, whatever, whatever, infinite xyz's. And that must be why I can't move through dating the way I did before with more ease, less noise. When, really, maybe I'm just more mindful. The blaring is only loud because I'm actually listening. My body is asking for more discernment. My mind is pleading for focused attention, not to distract myself in the lives and woes of lovers. My heart is suggesting self-trust again, not to lose myself in/to other people. And while my ego attempts to wage stupid, pointless war and tell me what I'm supposed to care about (my self-image, blah) my spirit nudges me, pokes at me, asks me to introspect, reconsider, and challenge every self-defeating belief I carry or every time I try to hide.

I guess I have changed, too. I am more picky about the people that get to have me. I am maybe more disagreeable. I am decidedly less of a liar, pretending to care about someone's something for the sake of protecting their feelings (and how controlling of me? a whole world of mess). My approach is more considered (let's not feel so gross, let's care a little more, let's be responsible for your actions, let's be 27, let's have principles, let's not always justify people and their carelessness, let's have self-respect, let's not imitate.) My social life is no longer the only foundation to ground me—the only sustenance—though this season it is admittedly a little too far away. Male attention / validation / acceptance isn't as appealing, at the very least as necessary (and it's trendy as hell! I love being alive to witness and partake in this cultural seismic shift.) The shitty thing is that all of what I like to think has changed about me could also be blind optimism, pretend growth, navel-gazing, bypassing reality...I don't actually know.

So what am I desiring? Evolution, as it goes. I'm more interested in who I am sharing time with rather than where that falls on the wide spectrum of nothing and everything. And who am I desiring? Who do I want to inhabit my world and share life with?

People who give a fuck, not just about me, but about themselves, too.

People who have stated preferences, beliefs, and principles, but who aren't so stubborn to discount nuance or entertain other perspectives.

People who arm with self-awareness.

People who don't loudly point their aggression towards me and scare me.

People who are honest with me or at least make an effort to be.

People who are more encouraging than they are insulting, more earnest than sarcastic.

People who appreciate treasures—joy, beauty, humor, wonder, art, and awe, the gifts of humanity—and aren't afraid to express it.

People who do not define themselves into caricatures or belief structures as constructed identities.

People who are self-directed, who focus their attention on their curiosities and own it.

People who make a good faith effort during human interactions.

People who are disinterested in competitive ambivalence, because I will win and I don't want to.

People who exhibit patience.

People who are like-hearted, not only/just like-minded.

People who have active imaginations, who embrace life.

People who can challenge me or tell me I'm wrong because it's important to, not because they must defend some fragile self-wound (huge difference, extremely over it, can see through it like glass).

People who see a bit beyond.

And so, I guess if I'm following my desires, I'm moving towards connecting with people who also have what I like about myself or what I desperately wish to embody.

In this season, it's more "Who will brighten my path ahead?", less "Who must I brighten to be able to enjoy?"